What We Used To Be
by BrightAngel06
Summary: Rose writes about everything and nothing but when she looks back on it, she sees what went wrong with her and the Doctor and decides she can't take the pain anymore. Post Age of Steel but more about Girl in the Fireplace. 10Rose very sad fic... COMPLETE!
1. Dream or Nightmare?

Very sad fic, so if you don't like it, don't read it. Although I might be offended if you didn't read it. Post- Age Of Steel but more about The Girl In The Fireplace. Rose writes about everything and nothing but when she looks back on it, she can see what went wrong with her and the Doctor. Please read and review, not a one shot but a two or three chaptered fic. Hope you like it and don't cry too much, yeah?

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What We Used To Be

The pen glided on her paper slowly. The ink flowing into carefully formed words on the page. Rose wondered how it dried so quickly, mere nanoseconds after coming into contact with the sheaf below it. She scribbled circles in the corner of her notepad idly, colouring a few gaps in with the black ink. The pen drew wavy lines that formed into clouds. Black clouds with lightning and rain drops falling. Rose was lying on her bed on the TARDIS, flat on her stomach; pen in hand scribbling away while her thoughts carried her into oblivion and back. Her scrawl was messy but legible, flicking back through her pad, of things she'd written and drawn over the weeks.

Her notepad had become like an extension of her body since she'd met the Doctor. So many thoughts, (some bad, some good and others she dare not write down for fear her mum might read them) ran through her hand and onto the paper that Rose flicked through; the pad nearly full. She stopped at a page. Filled with twisted hearts, splintered arrows and broken halos and a few words she had written for herself, to get them away. Song lyrics filled the next page, scribbles and mad crossings out of lyrics she thought of for herself. She wasn't trying to write a song or anything, she just liked them; they fitted her mood that day.

The next page was different. It was alive with colour; pictures cut out from magazines and stuck down, of any shapes she liked in any colour she liked. Right in the bottom left corner, hidden away from prying eyes was a photo from her own. Of the Doctor and herself, his brown hair whipping in the wind from their right, his arm tight around her waist and her head lolling on his shoulder. She could've sworn the Doctor had blushed that day. Maybe it was just her imagination. She loved that photo so much. It reminded her of better times, when they were happy. Before it all fell apart. She turned the page, knowing what mood was coming next in her rollercoaster of a notepad.

This page…this page still hurt. Black. Her own words darkening the paper. Something she'd written in her head had somehow made its way into inked words. A permanent reminder of what had happened that day. The day he met Reinette. It hurt her, knowing what happened. She'd never tell him, even five weeks on, with Mickey gone and it being back to just her and him. Rose felt lost more than she had been for a long while. He'd been avoiding her since then, snapping at her, arguing with her more, distancing himself from her gaze. One time she'd reached her hand out for his. The Doctor had just walked on ahead of her, steel fixed in his blank eyes. That one had felt like a knife to her heart. What made it worse was seeing him in pain. The knife in her heart twisted the day she saw tears running down his face quietly. Staring at the screen of the TARDIS with her hidden away in the corridor. Rose didn't think she could bear it much longer. He'd lost the woman he loved, and Rose had lost the man she loved. She knew exactly how he felt.

The pages that followed that day had nothing but black. No colour adorned the pages after that day had happened. No hearts, no suns, no stars. One page caught her attention. Her pen circled around the words she had written for herself, that seemed so true even now…

_Remember me, I'll never forget_

_The times you'd give me what your soul would let_

_I'll never know and I'll never have your love_

_From me, you kept the kingdom up above_

_So silent, so quiet, it cut me deep_

_For nevermore can I weep_

_You hurt me and yourself, I know_

_But even then you still couldn't show_

_What it was that made you love her_

_It hurts me still, in sleep I still stir_

_I'll still dream, I'll still love, I'll still cry_

_I'll still keep photos of us both by my side_

_But now, my Doctor, I've got to say good night_

_I just hope the nightmares help keep me from my waking fright_

A single tear slid down Rose's cheek and dripped with a faint splash onto the words below, the ink now running down the page. Still true. Every syllable, every letter still made her want him back to how he used to be. Rose wanted her fun, bubbly, vivacious Doctor back. The Doctor who'd make her laugh at some god awful joke he'd crack about a man he'd met in a bar that had a thing for blondes. She'd scowled when he said he should've introduced her to him. Rose ached for him to be back to how he used to be. She didn't know what to do with this man, this brooding, a darkened slip of a man who snapped at her and made her feel like nothing.

Rose's eyes hooded and welled up at that thought. Slowly he'd made her feel like that. She knew he didn't do it intentionally but still…it hurt more than anything else he'd said or done on purpose. She felt like gum on the bottom of his shoe sometimes. He looked at her like she was a stupid little brat not use to being told no. These thoughts made her hate. She didn't hate him, could never hate him. She hated herself, knew he wouldn't love her again after Reinette. Rose didn't begrudge the woman, she knew what it was like to love the Doctor, all Reinette knew was what it was like to be loved in return. Rose didn't have that.

She opened up to a new page, clean and crisp and as white as snow. Her pen drew eyes, lashes and lids wet with the tears that dripped down the page. She drew lightning and hands once locked together tightly broken apart, one being dragged away. The black inked flowed and Rose felt free. Free from self-loathing, free from the hate she'd instilled in him. Free from the world. Soon the A5 sheet was full of broken chains and teary eyes. Only the small space left in the middle was left to be filled and Rose knew what to put there. Only the lyrics to a song could fill that void on the page. She wrote from memory, humming the tune to herself…

_  
'You won't cry for my absence, I know -  
You forgot me long ago.  
Am I that unimportant...?  
Am I so insignificant...?  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me? _

Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,  
I'm all alone.  
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,  
But I won't be home again.  
I know what you do to yourself,  
I breathe deep and cry out,  
"Isn't something missing?"  
"Isn't someone missing me?"

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,  
Knowing you don't care.  
And if I sleep just to dream of you  
I'll wake without you there  
isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?'

Rose pushed the cap of the pen back in place gently. She closed the notepad, her hand spreading over the soft black leather binding softly, her fingers tapping on the cover for few seconds. Quietly, she pushed herself off her stomach and off of the bedding. Going over to her wardrobe, she knew what she had to do to be free of the hate. She opened her cherry wood wardrobe and dug out her backpack, piling clothes and essentials into it. She knew she had to leave, both for her and for the man who used to be the Doctor.

Rose zipped up the bag, speaking to the TARDIS. Saying goodbye to her a final time and asking to be let go from this life. Rose knew the Doctor was sleeping so time was precious and few. He didn't want her on board anymore, he'd made it clear enough and Rose couldn't handle a goodbye. She asked the TARDIS to land her home, she wanted him to be happy again, and if that meant she had to leave him…Rose would make that sacrifice for him. Rose made her way quietly down the corridor, stopping at the Doctor's bedroom door. Rose stared at the wood, her hand splayed across it. Her lips descended on the door and she kissed it lightly, whispering her goodbye to him, tears streaking down her face.

Rose entered the console room, stroking her hand along the centre gently, smiling to herself. Rose placed her TARDIS key and a note on the edge of the console, the tears flowing freely now. The TARDIS landed with a small bump and Rose knew she was back on earth. She fingered the door of the beautiful machine, looking back to her centre with a small smile and a thank you for everything, but she knew it was time to leave. She opened the door quietly and stepped outside. With one final look back, she closed the TARDIS door and turned to face her future. The wonderful blue box faded from view with the ancient grinding noise that was music to her ears.

Rose Tyler didn't know the Doctor spoke her name in his sleep, dreaming how to tell her how much he loved her.

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A/N: Doctor Who belongs to the BBC and the lyrics belong to Evanessence. The rest is all mine, so you can blame me for your misery. 


	2. All or Nothing?

Wow. Just...wow...the response to the last chapter was so amazing. 14 reviews! For one chapter! I was so worried about putting this fic up because I wasn't sure about it...I needn't have worried! LOL. Anyway...I hope you like this chapter and, as some predicted, it is in the Doctor's POV and it is quite sad as well. But to find out more, you must read on! That may be the most obvious thing I've ever said. Okay, please read and review, like I said, I was worried soooo much about it. P.S. sorry for the delay!

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All or Nothing

He knew what he'd been doing to her. Snapping at her. Avoiding her like the plague. He couldn't keep her anymore. Selfishness had overcome him once and now he saw that clear as day on her face. She'd grown to know him too well and that scared the living daylights out of him. The Doctor knew he loved her but he had to let Rose go. He hadn't really noticed it to begin with. Subtle silences here and there. Hugging her less and less then stopping altogether. The last time she'd held out her hand for him, he hadn't taken it, knowing that she was just doing it for him, to comfort him in his grief.

Reinette. Had he loved her? The obvious answer was yes but…to him it just wasn't that simple anymore. He'd loved her for a while, but it had died. She had died. He wouldn't know what he would've done if he had got back to her on time, of what it would have done to Rose's self esteem. He felt sickened by the fact that he was glad he went forward too far. He didn't think he could bear to lose Rose like that, over something so biting as a replacement when she was still with him. No. He couldn't do that to her. So the Doctor had put everything away again, far from Rose's reach. Even after Mickey left, he didn't comfort her when before he would've held her tighter than anything and told her it was okay, that it was not her fault, that she was a good person. He would've cracked some god-awful joke and kissed her hair as she cried into his shoulder.

He wasn't sleeping really, he supposed. Dozing, did humans call it? He was somewhere in between asleep and awake, between dreaming and thinking. Was he dreaming or was that Rose's voice he could hear singing a mournful tune? He decided he didn't care much and wondered where he had gone wrong, where had he turned into someone so full of spite? Someone who hadn't got any mercy anymore. He knew he'd been pushing her away, keeping his distance from her. She'd realise soon enough what kind of person he was, what he had done. He couldn't hide it from her any longer. Rose would hate him if he showed her what he'd done to his own people. This was the life he was supposed to lead. Alone.

It was then that he heard it. He felt time rush past them from where they'd been drifting in the vortex. The TARDIS was moving! No-one could operate the TARDIS but him so why on Gallifrey was the old girl in motion? He pulled himself out of his half slumber, throwing on his shoes, and trousers carelessly, his shirt crumpled from where he'd laid down on his four-poster bed. He opened the door and the grinding stopped for a minute and then started just as abruptly. What the hell was happening? Was something wrong with the TARDIS? Had something gotten on board. And, most importantly, where was Rose?

He entered the console room to low lighting and dead silence. Not a hum, not a whisper. Suddenly he felt the TARDIS seethe in anger at him as he approached her, pure rising anger. The centre shot sparks at him as he came to it, burning his hand deeply. He looked in shock at her before he noticed the glinting from the corner of his eye. He strode to it, down on the rim of the central column. He felt horror bubbling inside him. It was her key. Rose's TARDIS key. Weighted with sorrow underneath a tear stained piece of paper. With trembling hands he took her key, threading the chain between his fingers. There was his name, _Doctor_, written in Rose's neat scrawl on top of the folded paper. He unfolded the paper slowly, dreading to find what was there.

_Doctor,_

_I have to leave you and the TARDIS behind but I'm sorry that I have to. I don't think you could know how sorry…You can't be with me like you used to be and that's okay. It really is but you have to move on, find someone to love you and who you love back like I do. I know you can't love me anymore; it's just the way we were. Find another love, my Doctor; you deserve to be happy, no matter what you think._

_I left you something in my old room. It should be sitting on the bed. I want you to have it. Just don't forget me, yeah? And…If you want to do one thing for me, Doctor, just one thing…have a fantastic life._

_All the love I have in my human heart,_

_Rose_

_Xxx_

He didn't hesitate. He sprinted towards her bedroom door. He needed to know what it was before he found her again because she might not want him back. That thought made him sick. He threw open her door and there, lying on the bed, was her leather covered notebook he knew she kept. He looked towards her wardrobe, willing with all his might that her clothes were still there, that she had changed her mind. His hearts sunk when he opened the door to find it bare. Dead bare; nothing. Not a thread. It was as if she never even existed in his life. He sunk down onto her bed, his shoulders sagging. He reached for her notebook, wondering whether to read it or not.

Curiosity got the better of the Doctor as his finger tapped on the leather cover. He opened the cover and found a message written in black ink.

_Doctor, if you're reading this then something horrible must have happened to me. (Well, either that or you're being a nosy git again) and I want to say (if I haven't already) that I love you._

_Love Rose._

He smiled and flicked through the book. A poem caught his eye. He didn't recognize it so Rose must've written it. He read it through, the blatant words cutting into him like a razor. It made him bleed and die inside. He'd done this to her? He'd had her convinced he didn't love her? If anything, he loved her too much… he couldn't take anymore. He grabbed the book and hurtled to the console room. He had to get her back. The TARDIS landed with a small thud. He could see her turning slowly as she saw him materialise in front of her, the blue light flashing like a beacon. Her rucksack was still hoisted high on her shoulder, disbelief written across her face.

The Doctor opened the door and was faced with a tirade of anger and resentment in her voice, as she dropped her backpack to the floor and stared at him harder than stone. "What the hell are you doing to me?! Why are you even here?!"

He felt her anger and it made him rage, "What kind of person d'you think I am, Rose?! D'you think I can just let you go without a goodbye!"

She spat at him, her voice full of contempt, "I thought I'd save you the speech. You never said goodbye to Sarah Jane so why am I so special, huh?! Why should I get a goodbye when they never got anything! Why me!"

"Because I love you!" He shouted.

She just stood there, mouth open and eyes wide. He hadn't meant to say it like that. No full of anger, full of malice and hate. He'd imagined whispering it into her ear and her kissing him softly with those lips. Instead she looked at him incredulously, "No! No, no, no, no, no! I won't let you do this to me! I can't let you do this over and over again!"

"Rose…"

"No!" She cut him off, "I can't pretend anymore! I can't pretend that everything's fine anymore! It doesn't work like that! I'm not an actor, Doctor!"

She breathed heavily as he looked at her. His voice was a whisper now, "Rose, only do this if this is what you want. Not what you think what's best for me. I can't carry round that burden as well."

She softened, voice wavering, "I…I'm sorry…I never meant for you to feel guilty…I'm sorry."

Her tears leaked free and slid down her cheeks. "I didn't want to leave you…I just thought…I thought…"

"I know…I know." He caught her into his embrace tightly but she hung there in his arms. He let go quickly, questioning, "Rose?"

"Did you read it?" She asked quietly.

"Read what?"

She swallowed visibly, "My notebook. Did you read the last page?"

He shook his head wondering what she was talking about. She took the book from his limp grasp with her slender fingers. She opened it to the last page. His mouth opened in horror at what he saw there. Teary eyes, broken chains, hands separated that somehow he knew should be locked together. But the lyrics shook him until he felt like he wanted to throw up. These words. He knew them. A song about a girl who wondered if anyone would miss her if she died. Rose spoke a line, "_And if I bleed, I'll bleed knowing you don't care and if I dream just to think of you, I'll wake without you there…_" She sighed and closed the book, "I don't want to be like that anymore Doctor." Rose looked him dead in the eye, "If you do this then that's it, yeah? No looking back, no going back? Cause I don't want half a life anymore, I want the real thing. I want to be with you and if you don't want that then I'll walk away and you can get on with your life; but if you want me with you then it's us. Together." Rose sighed heavily, the weight of the world on her shoulders, "I can't be your doll anymore, Doctor. No games. It's all or nothing…"

He knew what he wanted. He didn't even have to think. He threaded his fingers through Rose's hair and he brought his lips to meet hers in a searing, punishing kiss filled with promises and passion. Their tongues vied for position, battling against each other. He pulled away from her, leaving her gasping for breath. "I pick you, Rose." He grinned his old grin, whispering finally into her ear. "I pick you." His fingers laced through hers tightly and she smiled her first real smile in weeks as he led her into the TARDIS, bag and notebook long forgotten on the stone floor.

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A/N: all breathing a sigh of relief? I did! Hope you liked it! Might even do a sequel... (hint for more reviews alert!) 


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